Network 13 Head Hooligan
a brief history
I was born with a piece of J.C. Penny stainless steel flatware in my mouth, and I scratched and clawed my way out of the upper middle class ghetto of Lake Oswego to become the feared, yet loved, pariah that I am today. I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling buildings or crushing ice. I have mastered all six ways to skin a cat. I write award-winning operas and translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I am an occasional omnivore, my teeth are reversible, and I am at one with runny meat. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I can cook two-minute eggs in less than a minute. I have been known to cuddle. It is not true that I ran for mayor of West Linn with the campaign slogan, "disarm the rapist". I have written number-one singles for Paul Williams. I am a world renowned vampirologist and have been called upon to authenticate all three of the vampire diaries found to date. I am an expert in glass bricklaying, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Brazil. I breed prize-winning clams. I have owned and operated several recording studios in the Portland area, proof of which can be heard here. I don't perspire. I am surrounded by noteworthy circumstances. Contrary to popular belief, congressman David Wu did not take a bite of my hot dog. He did, however, offer an apology for doing so. I invented the Joist Sandwich. Using only a hoe and a glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from an attack of ferocious bullet ants. I read ancient Egyptian manuscripts in the original Sanskrit. I am a competitive turkey balancer, a master archer, and a ruthless bookie. I don't snore. I have trained dogs to climb trees and chase rocks. I once ran sound for Nirvana and had an "incident" with Kurt Cobain backstage. I have good rotation on my shot. I own many of Burt Bacharach's instrumental recordings and periodically annoy the neighbors by playing them at a high volume. My political viewpoints have been abolished in six countries, including Burma and South Africa. My hair (*circa 1986) has been preserved for posterity. I sleep only fifteen minutes a night and do so standing up. It is rumored that I performed covert operations for the CIA. I have been incorrectly classified taxonomically as a Cro-Magnon, due to a mixup at the DGSE (A DNA test later proved that I am not even related to myself). I record strange comedic music under the pseudonym Luke Warmwater. I am an unselfish lover, an investor in the Chinese stock market, a rabble-rousing herdboy, and an inspiration for freedom fighters everywhere. My mom is a respected painter, and I changed my name from Michelangelo. Children trust me. I once had a neighbor whose feet were eaten posthumously by a domesticated porcine house pet. I do not use lip balm or play hacky sack. I can make extraordinary four course meals using only a spatula and a toaster oven. I was forced at knifepoint (by men claiming to be Freemasons) to redact the following sentence. During a covert operation in the Malheur Cave, I participated in candle-lit, paganistic rituals involving thought-stopping, group-think chants and the beheading of chickens. I have a wife named after Brandy de la Court, and four children named after the mountains Catlow, Lassen, Vail and Paulina. I have lived as a jet set surf bum and rubbed elbows with drunken Hollywood celebrities. I am now doing something completely different.
Random Photos of the Moment
Enjoying Jackson Browne concert. Not enjoying the wine.
Circa 1975. Sisters Karen and Susan help me save infant Denny Jones from "the ferocious black lab of Mountain Park."
Yea, I had some bad ass hair, whazzup?